As a boy growing into a man, I was offered cigars and alcohol as a rite of passage in the scouts; but what it really was I couldn’t possibly understand at that age. My abuser used chemicals to lower my resistance, used erotic stories and porn to stimulate my body, and then took advantage of a natural response to suggestive material. No, I did not want these acts to happen, and my body’s response did not mean that I wasn’t forced. Many boys fail to report being abused because of this, the acts can produce a bodily reaction that suggests desire, but no minor can consent to any sexual act.
No, I am not gay, nor homosexual, due to the length of time and acts that took place, but I struggled my whole life wondering what it meant that I had been abused, pleasure had been achieved, and my abuser seemed to be able to bend me to his will, time and time again. In an effort to aid other victims, to explain what was done to each of us in varying degrees, educate parents that never knew what their sons endured; I ask your patience and understanding as I share.
Imagine yourself a child from an abusive home, not knowing what love should be, and then being used for another’s pleasure. Jack Walls offered what my father would not, emotionally, and all that was required of me was that I drink, get turned on looking at or reading porn, and touch myself in a way that felt good. It was the first step in what would be a long and emotionally torturous process and it was, by design, meant to break down all the things I had been taught and heard until that point.
Boys might stand in a line to see who could pee the furthest, but what was it about this man who wanted to watch us do it? The way he complimented someone on how far he could pee, how large his privates were, and a constant assurance to us all that it was natural for boys to compete and compare. We were hardwired to test our limits, discover our strengths, and he wanted us to know all about girls; what they looked like naked, what made them feel good, how and where to touch them, and how we could fix our “problems” with them.
I found myself wishing that my own dad would talk to me about all these things that I didn’t know, but dad was so angry all the time and demanding of me what I couldn’t seem to ever do. So, it was far easier than you might imagine falling under the spell Jack cast, and he did it with quality time, affection, and praise; the things we all crave at any age, basic human needs that assure us of who we are and what we offer the world, and Jack could see in each boy his best and potential for the future. He got us to drink so that we would share our hurts, fears, hopes, dreams, and once he had us opening up with him and others, we bonded.
Emotionally Jack created a bond with each of us; an understanding that he saw in each of us, what no one else could or had, and it represented a kind of love I had craved from my dad and anyone else for the rest of my life. We all had questions, things that were important to us, and Jack made the time to find out those things and offer answers.
Be leery of any adult that seeks to spend more time with your children than you can, offering them emotionally what you don’t have time to, because they will create bonds that allow them to exploit your children if allowed to do so.
As a boy, I was entrusted to Jack and, under his leadership, he became the mentor in my life that he promoted to parents. It is the natural process that an individual uses to naturally connect and form relationships with others, but the difference we are seeking to show here is the unnatural intent.
Jack took in boys, many with special emotional or mental needs, gathered information to see what was missing at home, and then formed powerful emotional connections with us that created loyalty and proved to parents he was a man of talent. As boys with their emotional needs met, we were happier, growing, and progressing so that parents entrusted him with their concerns.
Be leery of anyone that takes a personal interest in what is going on in your home, offers to help you fix it, or whom gains a position of influence that allows them to exert control. Again, Jack used information given by parents to share in private with boys, the negative things that had caused the trouble between us, and then drove the wedge, using it to serve his purposes. He built an emotional bond, provided needs unmet at home, and then explained why they weren’t met in ways we understood.
Our parents didn’t love us as he did; finding flaws where he saw potential, and he calmed the fears he flamed to ensure our isolation. Once dependent upon him, seeing for the first time how our parents saw us in their own words to him, he used the alcohol to encourage further exploitation of our natural curiosity.
When the material stimulated us, he had pages marked with certain acts being described, and he acted as if it was only natural for boys and men to masturbate together. Many times he would use an older boy, someone that he had already victimized, to show that it was both acceptable and pleasurable and, most importantly, normal. Our talks of girls we longed to touch at school, girls we wanted to date, became fantasies where Jack could tell us to lay back and think of them. Imagine her there with us, touching, and how incredible it is for someone else to touch instead of our having to do it.
His suggestions seemed so reasonable, especially to a drunken boy, experiencing these things for the first time. The process was taken slowly, as any natural intimacy is meant to in a normal relationship, yet we were manipulated through our desires toward unnatural ends. We were asked to think of the natural while he did the unnatural, for his pleasure and control and, in time, the examples of acts increased to match his desire. Fondling became oral sex, all under the mask of drunken bliss, and the books always offered a storyline that fueled the fantasy for the reality he sought to create.
By the time anal intercourse was introduced, Jack had already introduced us to acts with each other, and used stories of such acts with women to encourage fantasies our minds had not ever imagined. He offered to allow us to lay on his back, wanting to feel skin on skin, and if you closed your eyes it could have been the woman or girl from the story lying beneath you. Jack said it was the closest feeling you could get to sex with a real girl, and wasn’t that what each of us were so eager to experience for the first time? Even better, guys could get pleasured in many of the same ways that the characters in the books did.
As a boy, I didn’t understand that my desires for a woman, to explore and share intimately with one, is as much a part of me as anything else. No one had ever talked to me about the things that these books discussed, older adults showing kids how to pleasure their bodies, and it did feel good even if some of the acts were ones I had been raised to see as examples of sin. Boys weren’t supposed to touch each other, men weren’t supposed to touch boys, and dad had always said that the queers were boys raised by women to act like them. Gays were weak, feminine, why else would they seek out a man to use them like a woman?
What did it mean that my parents had found so much wrong with me, and gave me to this man so that he could help me be what my parents feared I wasn’t able to be without help? All I knew was the alcohol made me feel fearless, insecurities faded into nothing and, once relaxed, the stories and caresses brought pleasure. How could something that felt good be bad?
Jack suggested that it was natural, for boys to get help learning about their bodies, and didn’t we have to go to different kinds of professionals to treat and help us in other ways? Jack seemed to enjoy the acts just as much, praising me for how I responded and reassured me that what I was feeling all boys felt if they were shown how to experience them. It wasn’t that much to ask, after all, compared to what I got at home for far less. If I wanted to go camping, shoot the guns, get alcohol, get away from home, be around other boys that liked activities that I did outdoors, then it was easy to overlook the questions in the back of my mind; questions as to why the next day I always felt empty inside, used up, and dirty in a way that I didn’t understand. Jack would suggest that I had just drank too much, puffed on a cigar too long showing off for others and, in time my questions were even ignored by me since many others were enduring and sharing the same experiences.
Who was I to ruin it for everyone? Hadn’t I seen older boys do what I had, enjoy the acts by the evidence their bodies reacted, and no one really talked about it other than our being in the group. We were special they said, hand-picked by Jack, his boys and chosen ones. He depended on us, relied on our help, and we were important to him. We were all boys eager to be a part of the great outdoors, and who else had the time that Jack always made to do things with us? Yeah, he often found ways to drink, look at porn, and want to act out the books. Oh how lucky we were, right?