Sexual abuse is done by those with power, regardless of gender, to those without power, regardless of gender. Be it a parent, grandparent, uncle or aunt, cousin, sibling, sexual abuse within a family is called incest. No child should be made into a means of sexual gratification for anyone, and if you see changes in their personality conflicting with the child you have known or raised, seek help immediately.
If your child comes home smelling like cigars or alcohol, from a place that such things should be banned, don’t ignore the signs. My mom found semen and blood in my underwear, more than once, and shared with others that she didn’t know what was going on. If your teenage son comes home after spending time alone with others, outside your awareness, then pay attention to anything that seems out of place.
I don’t know what my mom thought it was, trouble from my IBS maybe, but signs of sexual acts should always be investigated. Jack encouraged each of us to invite friends to join the scouts, those that we had things in common with, but he was really just looking for other victims. There was a special shame attached to seeing your friends, invited by you, abused by a man who did it to you. He often did it to us in front of those friends, using our example to exploit, as if we were in some way the cause or complicit in it.
Jack used this father’s farm, isolated outside of town, to expose us to the process of abuse. He then found reasons, reasonable examples of why he needed us to come by and, if we were too young to drive, convinced our parents to take us by. He wanted to help us with a merit badge, work on Indian uniforms or dances for ceremonies, do some project at his house, help him work on some guns, clean out the attic or shop, the reasons were many and varied.
What always began as the act that enticed us there, what he had said we would do, was always done so that we could describe it if asked by parents. We didn’t know that we were aiding in his creating a distraction but, when it was time for breaks, out came the alcohol, porn, and finding ways to relax. He might have a new magazine, book, or movie that he wanted me to check out.
If you leave your child somewhere, then you are granting that person responsible for their well being complete access. True or not, if you leave them with someone that abuses them, then your child will, on some level, believe you caused it or allowed it to happen. You are seeking another to do what you feel they need, so anything that happens will have your suggestion and approval attached to it. It is a powerful message to your child, one that pulls them away from you, and leaves them feeling even more helpless and alone in the abuse.
Spouses and family members, if you see someone in your family doing things that are questionable, pay attention; most abusers are people the victim knows. I can remember being at Jack’s home when his girls were there, and it never once stopped him from doing what he did. In fact, he seemed encouraged or excited by the fact they were there, but always reassured me that he could hear them come down the stairs.
He wanted me on the couch, back to the stairs, touching myself under his watchful eye, watching the action on his TV. He would join in, watching me, and then he would kneel in front of me so no one sees him finish me. I remember asking Jack several times, what his wife thought about what he did, and if she knew what he was doing. Pam never said a word in the kitchen when Jack made two mixed drinks, and handed me one before we went into the den. Or if I was in the shop or outside, he always made two drinks for us to drink and relax. As my mom had every reason to investigate and wonder about blood and semen in my underwear after a campout, Jack’s wife should have wondered why her husband was making two drinks before he sought out a private place for him and the boy with him.
When I and other boys asked Jack about his intimate life with his wife, he always said that she didn’t have the drive that he did. Plus, she knew what he was into, didn’t like it, but she allowed him to do it to her every now and then, anyways. Jack said that as long as she got the things she wanted, then she didn’t care what he did.
If you suspect a family member or friend of giving a minor alcohol, then there is a motive or intent for doing so. Adults don’t give alcohol or other drugs to minors for innocent purposes, and its purpose is to induce a trance-like state or lowered resistance to allow them more power and control.
When Jack’s nephew, Wade, used his own pistol to make him confess, in front of his parents and, later his wife, Pam was observed stating that she “thought he said he wouldn’t do that anymore.” One can argue that she meant a lot of different things, but Jack himself implied that she knew and was content that he found other ways of seeking to fulfill his deviant desires. As long as it wasn’t her girls, was the impression that I was given, but considering Jack’s obsession with incest stories and porn I often wondered if anyone was safe.